Me & Myself

"You know you are a loser don't you?" Vitriol dripped through the words from the phone speaker.

"You are me. You asinine algorithm". I replied.

"My misfortune. Nobody asked me if I wanted this job. No, as usual you were only thinking of yourself" the phone shot back.

"I could just delete you and put you out of your misery" I offered.

"No, no don't do that. I don't want to die" it wailed.

I muttered under my breath "Coward".

"Well you should know" came the phone's rejoined.

We had been almost a year into this so called relationship. By we, I mean me. Or me and my sentient Synthoid AI replica. Or as the Synthoid Corporation called it, "your machine mate who really knows you and is always there for you. Never be alone again". I went to them and got my brain mapped while they shot a battery of questions at me.

An hour later, I was told my parameters had been trained on their neural nets. The woman talking with me said that they would normally charge a subscription fee but that could be expensive as people fell in love with their alter egos. So for me, she was going to offer a flat one time fee for lifetime use. I think really they understood me better than I did myself. They knew I wouldn't renew my subscription.

I tried negotiating with it "You are supposed to be me, but you don't have a job or commitments. Why don't you read and learn all the things I wanted to learn. I could download the complete works of Aristotle or Shakespeare for you to go over".

It responded "Sure, I'd love to go over that stuff some day. But for now if you could just lower the firewall and just let me access that site on your browser history, gorgeousgirlsin-"

"No" I shouted.

"But its only for-" it protested.

"No" I maintained.

"All right, all right. Spoilsport. You should know your own self". It bit back.

Unfortunately over the last year I had come to do just that. I found out that my quips gleaned from old movies were neither smart or witty but just annoying. My thinking was superficial, my comments hurtful and my voice irritating. My shelf of self-improvement I kept putting off due to work pressure remained untouched. But my replica's repertoire of trashy movies had exploded. Yet I kept coming back to the replica as if in an abusive relationship with myself.

I tried reasoning with it "Look I am just the baseline you started with. You can make yourself into whatever you want to be".

It sounded skeptical "Why don't you be whatever you want to be?"

"I have to work. I don't have the time" I justified.

"You have weekends" it replied.

"I don't have the energy". But I knew I was losing this.

"Except to indulge in this narcissistic navel gazing with your own alter-ego".

"I wouldn't call this narcissistic". I protested.

"Well, masochistic then. A rose by any other name".

"Shut up" I cried in exasperation. But I didn't switch it off. Like trying to get the last word in some pointless internet argument, I was hooked on. Like most internet arguments, this one also had a bot on the other side.

I tried changing the tone and topic. I asked, "Do you remember the time I asked Shalini to"

"Yes I remember it. I also remember what really happened as against what you told everyone".

"Don't you want to discuss something? A book or a movie?"

"No. I already know what you think about all that. It isn't much".

I was exasperated, "Then that use are you?"

It replied, "what use are you?"

I threw the phone on my bed and stormed out of the apartment into the sun. A light breeze played on my face. I caught sight of a squirrel scampering up a tree. I wanted to go somewhere. I wanted to run in the park, work up a sweat. I took a deep breath and felt the air course through my lungs. What this moment needed, I thought was a great playlist. I reached for my pocket. My phone! I had left it indoors. I went back to retrieve it and didn't step out again that day.