The Middle Ages

Promila Aunty was knitting a scarf when her two fellow contestants entered the oversized drawing room. Astha Aunty wore another designer sari with matching shawl. Her hairstyle must have taken most of last night to set. "Your may lie through your teeth" thought Promila, "but all the powder in the world can't hide the dark circles under your eyes".

Neelima Aunty on the other hand was going for the Aunty-Next-Door look. "She is the worst" thought Promila. "Does the audience really buy her act?" A retired physics teacher, she automatically calculated the trajectory to bury her knitting needle into Neelima's jugular.

Outwardly she smiled. "So lovely to see you this morning. I've made some tea".

Neelima was solicitous. "Oh Promila ji! You must have got up so early for this. But then we all need less sleep when we get older".

"Bitch!" thought Promila. "How old would you look if you drained away the botox?"

Astha graciously sipped from her cup, keeping her little finger up. "Oh Promila! Thank you. But I never take sugar in my tea. I have to watch my figure". She passed a palm over her stomach for emphasis. Promila thought a tummy tuck must have also helped.

The big television screen flicked on. "Good Morning ladies!" the cheery voice of the announcer greeted them. "Congratulations. You three are the finalists as we go into the last round of Season 3 of Big Bahu's House! Each of you have proved yourself worthy of being here. Now before the finale, lets take a moment to see your greatest moments!"

The screen switched to flashback footage of Astha Aunty's triumph in the One-Upmanship Round. Promila had started by saying she visited the temple every day. A now forgotten competitor had countered that she never had to go to the temple as God visited her every night in her dreams. But Astha had topped them all by describing how whenever she closed her eyes the entire Hindu Pantheon appeared before her singing hymns in her honour.

Next up was Neelima Aunty's decisive victory in the Rumour Mongering Round. She had persuaded everyone that another now departed contestant was actually a man in drag. Neelima lowered her eyes in humility after her own brilliant performance.

Promila's moment had come in the Castigating the Youth Round. She had held forth with an hour long tirade before collapsing for lack of breath. Every other sentence had begun with "in our time" or "people nowadays". Promila smiled at her own effort. But this was no time to rest on past laurels. Everything depended on this last round, she had to focus.

The presenter came back. "Ladies, you are shining examples of our Indian society. But now you will face your biggest challenge yet, in the Unmitigated Violence Round".

The three looked at each other in bewilderment. Then their reality set in and suppressed emotions started to surface.

The announcer continued, "You have five minutes to inflict as much damage as possible on your opponents. Your time starts .... Now!"

Neelima Aunty slipped out her dentures and wrapped them around her hand as knuckle dusters. Astha Aunty smashed her spare glasses for the shards. Promila already had her needles ready. She instinctively lunged for her closest opponent, Astha. Deftly Promila ducked under the glass pieces flung where her eyes had been moments ago. But she was unprepared for the follow up face kick. "Damn Astha's Yoga flexibility classes", she thought.

As she got up, the other two were circling each other. Neelima Aunty's toothless gums formed a snarl. Astha Aunty went through a series of postures that were a mix of Baba Ramdev and Jackie Chan.

Finally, Neelima pushed out her arm in what looked like a right cross, but actually flung out her dentures which snapped on Astha's nose. Promila took this moment to hurl herself in a rugby tackle and Astha was down for the count.

Neelima sensed opportunity and lunged for Promila. But she narrowly avoided impaling herself on an upturned knitting needle.

Promila Aunty was up now. She gripped her knitting needles as Japanese Sai, adopting a stance she remembered from the Ninja Turtles cartoon her kids used to watch. Neelima searched frantically for a weapon. Her hand closed around the pot of scalding tea which she hurled at her opponent.

Promila bent backwards as the tea passed inches above her face. But her back wasn't what it used to be and she took a fall. In a second, Neelima was upon her. They rolled in a bundle of flying hair and obscenities. Finally, Promila managed to slip a left upper cut that stunned her enemy just before the buzzer rang for time out.

"Congratulations Promila ji!" screamed the announcer. "You are the grand winner of season 3 of Big Bahu's House! Now lets take a look at your prizes."

A ruggedly handsome man dressed only in beach shorts waved his hand at the display. "Yes, you have got a brand new Shyamala mixer-grinder. And also, a lifetime supply of pure wool cardigans. But that's not all, a complete makeup and makeover package from Babi Salone is yours. Finally, there is our bumper award of the year, a free session at Dr Reddy's Cosmetic Surgery Clinic in Thailand!"

The screen erupted with audience applause. Promila Aunty felt like a winner.