The Voice

I remember it was October. The winter chills hadn't begun but my mother had insisted on bundling me to school in a sweater. That afternoon, I stood on my desk, my hands raised above me in punishment. I remember looking outside the window through tears I was trying to keep in. That would have been too much.

That was the first time it happened./ The teacher had asked something. I don't remember what it was now, but it had something to do with the chapter were were supposed to have read for homework. I knew the answer, but I couldn't speak. My jaw had clamped shut. I struggled, but I couldn't open it. My tongue kept throbbing in my mouth but no sound came. As the seconds passed, my mind filled with dread. I knew what would come.

Of the tongue lashing that followed, I don't remember a word. But the tone and the look in the teacher's eyes are still vivid to me. I would have forgotten about all this but that was the first time, it wasn't the last.

I can always tell the onset. My palms turn sweaty, my heart starts to pound. My mind remains strangely clear but my mouth is jammed and my fingers go stiff. There is nothing i can do but wait for it to pass. It may be five minutes or it may take nearly an hour. I never know. At the end I am always exhausted,.

Papa's idea of therapy was to say, "don't be concerned. What do you think anyone can do? Hang you?"

Somehow, this didn't help. My mother finally took me to a speech therapist over Papa's objections about the cost. After a few sessions, I could declaim fluently in front of her. Just not in front of anyone else.

There was one thing though, I couldn't speak in front of a group, but I could laugh. When I laughed, my tongue obeyed. A quick quip, a witticism and sometimes even a one line joke could come out before my mouth shut down.

School always had opportunities to laugh. Even for a nobody like me, at the bottom of the high school hierarchy. At the top were the cool kids, the school cricket and football teams were always on stage with medals and trophies. Then there were the talented kids, the ones who could perform on stage. There were nerds who were felicitated once a year when the exam results came in. Then there were the drifters, not much good at anything but just getting by. Then finally, there were the losers. Too dumb to get grades, too lazy to play but mainly too obnoxious to be friends with. Then there was me. The silent ghost at the back corner of the class whom nobody sat with.

That was when I told my mother that I was interested in ventriloquism. My father said, "you want to play with dolls?" before my mother gave him a look that made him shut his mouth tighter than I ever did.

We finally found someone who was willing to teach me. On my first day, the old ventriloquist made me try a lot of puppets and imagine what their voices would sound like. Finally, he gave me a stuffed monkey. It was a cheeky character I called Mr Bunder.

The first couple of weeks was practicing the basic techniques. But as i went along, something strange happened. Mt Bunder developed his own personality. He could think and say stuff I could never have dared to. Mr Bunder wasn't afraid of looking stupid. He saw everyone and everything as a silly joke.

Once he said my father looked like a fat baboon too dumb t be in a circus. That got us thrown off the dining table. Mr Bunder was lucky Papa didn't decapitate him. But he was off limits at home.

Finally, after a bout a year, my mother spoke to my teacher and she insisted I perform in the assembly. I hadn't wanted this but again couldn't work up the strength to articulate my objections.

I worked out a short routine by copying jokes from a book and some things I'd seen on TV. I practiced again and again till I could recite them by heart. I knew every head movement and voice inflection Mr Bunder would use.

The day arrived. At the morning assembly, Madam principal introduced me in front of the school. I sat on a stool with Mr bunder on my lap. I had decided to look away from the crowd. Just pretend nobody is there.

"Hello Mr Bunder" I began. "How do you like this school? Is it a big change from your forest?"

"I'll say" Mr Bunder replied. "I never saw a monkey wear a saree before". I froze. Where had that come from? That wasn't the punchline I had rehearsed. But it was the sort of thing Mr Bunder would say. From the corner of my eye, I saw the Principal grit her teeth.

I ploughed on. But Mr Bunder kept going more and more off script. Mid-way, the Principal walked on stage and thanked me. The students were rolling with laughter by now.

That afternoon, during the break, the cricket team came to me. "Hey you were pretty cool today" one guy said. "Want to hang out with us after school?"

"Stuff you!" replied Mr Bunder.

Note: This humble attempt was inspired by the brilliantly innovative routines of the ventriloquist Nina Conti. Please find her YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/@theninaconti